Friday, July 13, 2012

When Friendships Fail

Thumbing through the journal that I started on forgiveness, I began to see the journey that God has been leading me through. I began this journal on February 29, 2012. I titled it, "Forgiveness," because it was a topic that kept popping up everywhere I turned. On the radio, on television, in books and articles that I read. Even in my thoughts! So I thought, I better pay attention. I decided to take notes because there was no telling where this was going to lead.

I wrote about how I needed to pay attention because I believed the Lord was telling me something. I even wrote, "I'm going to take a lot of notes because I believe this forgiveness thing is what is going to end up being what I write about. So in admitting that, as I embark on this journey, Lord Jesus, please guide me, be with me, open my heart and my mind and soul to not only be able to give forgiveness but to receive it and then to be able to tell others about it so they too, can be helped."

Little did I know that this small, but profound prayer was not only heard, but it was prophecy into what God was about to do in my life. It was three months later, on May 30, 2012, that I lay in the floor at church.  God had healed me of the oppression that had been weighing me down for years.

Since then, here is the proof of that healing. You have been reading about it on this website. It has become my journey. I write because I know that there are people out there who are suffering inside like I was. You have family, friends, and people you love, who intimidate and oppress you, control you, who are mad at you for one thing or another. And you must find a way to have forgiveness for them, try to restore the relationships, and move out of the pit that you are in. 

Restoring relationships is a difficult adventure. I say "adventure" because of all the things we go through in order to restore one. Many times we cannot restore it, and we just have to move on, continuing in prayer for the one who will not be moved.

You must find a way to have forgiveness for them...                             and move out of the pit that you are in.

As I write this, I have someone in mind, who has seen it as a great injustice to herself, that I didn't do something that she believed in her heart that I should have done. Various things prevented me from following through. But before twenty-four hours had passed, she was angry with me and no longer speaking to me, nor was she any longer my friend. I have tried to apologize to her, to no avail. Phone calls, text messages, and emails have all gone unanswered. The last time I saw her, she would not acknowledge me, nor speak to me. The hate and unforgiveness radiating from her, along with the judgmental attitude were palpable. Others even noticed it and asked me what had happened. I declined to explain. 

How sad she must be, carrying that around with her, disguised as justification. My heart is heavy for her, and yet I wonder just what kind of a friend she really was to me, if she can hate me so thoroughly because of one mistake. I wonder if she really had been my friend at all? I also wonder if I had been a very good friend to her, myself? Because if I had been, shouldn't I have helped to teach her a little better about forgiveness and the importance of not holding a grudge? Thinking back though, at the time, I too, was carrying the weight of years of hurt, oppression, and angst within me that I didn't know how to deal with. This is still no excuse. However, since being healed of it, I can see the damage I have done. What can I do now, but pray that those I have made mistakes with will forgive me. It is not solely my fault for some of the things that have happened in the past. But I shoulder much of the blame in not trying to fix it sooner.

It does not settle things to continually drag the past back up, trying to get over it. Yet many times, the people we surround ourselves with thrive on the past mistakes of others. They take great pleasure in dwelling on that, keeping us in a constant state of strife. I spent way too many years in that stage of continually bringing up past hurts, trying to "talk it out." I would try to reason my way through it, trying to find my justification. My motto was, "God can do more to them than I ever could, so I'm not even going to deal with it." This is a wrong mindset. This attitude will get you into more trouble. Not with others, but with God. So to drag this back up, will only cause more pain.

Since my healing, my journey has been one of learning, of growing, and of laying to rest the things of my past. If I can do that with those whom I have unresolved matters, that's another victory. If I cannot resolve issues with them, then I must move forward and pray that someday they too, will find the forgiveness that I have found.


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